A prominent congregation in Gauteng has officially voted to begin baptizing new members with wine instead of water, citing the province’s ongoing water crisis and “divine flexibility.”
The decision follows weeks of dry taps, emergency water tankers, and residents perfecting the art of the 30-second bucket shower. According to church elders, the move was both spiritual and practical.
“We prayed about it,” said Senior Pastor Ezekiel Mthembu. “And then we opened the tap… nothing came out. So we opened the communion cupboard. Plenty came out.”
“From Living Water to Vintage Water”
Traditionally, baptism symbolizes purification and new life. However, church leadership says the symbolism remains intact—just slightly fermented.
“We believe in transformation,” said one deacon. “If water can’t flow in Gauteng, at least the Merlot can.”
Congregants were reportedly informed via WhatsApp that dress code has been adjusted accordingly:
White robes are now “optional but risky.”
Towels are strongly encouraged.
Driving home afterward is “between you and your faith.”
Members React
Reactions have been mixed but enthusiastic.
“I’ve been postponing my baptism for three months because of the water situation,” said one excited congregant. “Now I’m booking the early service. Apparently, the 9 a.m. batch is semi-sweet.”
Another member expressed mild concern:
“Last Sunday we sang ‘There Is Power in the Blood.’ I didn’t realize we were switching categories.”
Province Officials Weigh In
Officials in Johannesburg declined to comment directly but confirmed that “innovative faith-based hydration strategies” are being monitored closely.
One insider admitted, “At this rate, we won’t be surprised if car washes start offering grape juice rinses.”
Theological Clarification
The church emphasized that the decision was not taken lightly.
“We checked the scriptures,” Pastor Mthembu said. “Technically, the first miracle involved turning water into wine. We’re just skipping a step. Efficiency is biblical.”
A task team has been formed to determine whether red or white wine is more theologically appropriate. Early polling suggests:
Red for “traditional depth.”
White for “stain management.”
Community Impact
Local liquor stores have reported an increase in bulk purchases labeled “Holy Purpose.” One shop owner confirmed a new special:
“Buy three bottles, get one anointed.”
Meanwhile, neighboring churches are reportedly exploring alternatives, including:
Symbolic air baptisms (“Just imagine the water.”)
Dry baptisms with hand sanitizer.
Baptisms via Zoom with a water emoji.
Final Word From Leadership
“Look,” Pastor Mthembu concluded, “if Gauteng won’t give us water, we’ll just raise our spirits another way.”
Congregants are advised to RSVP early, as supplies are limited and the choir has already started rehearsing “Spirit Flow” with suspicious enthusiasm. 🍷
Disclaimer: This article is pure satire and intended for humor only. No actual church policies have been harmed in the making of this story.
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