Local Job Seeker Terrorizes Police by Certifying at Least Twenty Copies a Day, Every Day

Police stations across the province are reportedly on “high alert” after a local job seeker, 28-year-old Sifiso “CV Machine” Ndlovu, was accused of terrorizing officers with his relentless demand for certified copies.

According to eyewitnesses, Sifiso arrives at the charge office every morning just after tea break, armed with a file thicker than a Zondo Commission report. Inside? Identity documents, matric certificates, proof of residence, and a suspicious number of affidavits declaring that he is indeed himself.

“He doesn’t even greet anymore,” sighed Constable Mthembu, visibly shaking as he reached for the police station’s one surviving rubber stamp. “He just slams the papers on the counter like a gangster throwing down a challenge. We’ve had to replace three ink pads this month because of him. I don’t think the government budgeted for this kind of warfare.”

Residents say the sound of ka-thunk, ka-thunk, ka-thunk from the certification stamp echoes through the station daily, leaving officers with mild PTSD. Some constables have allegedly faked back pain just to escape “CV duty.”

When asked why he needs so many copies, Sifiso defended himself:

“Look, one job wants certified copies of my ID. Another wants certified copies of my ID and matric certificate. Then another says they only take certified copies from this year. What must I do? I’m fighting unemployment with firepower, bro. This is not harassment; it’s job-seeking artillery.”

Rumours suggest that SAPS is considering issuing a special restraining order, limiting him to only five certified copies per week. However, union representatives for job seekers have warned this could spark a nationwide uprising.

Meanwhile, local printing shops have declared Sifiso their “Employee of the Month” for the sixth consecutive time, saying his photocopy bill alone is single-handedly keeping the industry alive.

Police spokesperson Brigadier Nkosi has urged calm:

“We assure the public that SAPS remains committed to serving and protecting. But at this point, we’re begging companies: please, just hire this man before our stamp dies.”