Article By: Lyndon Vollenhoven
Helen Zille and the son of the soil, the revolutionary Julius Malema, today announced not only the formation of a brand-new political party, but also the fact that they are expecting a child together.
Speaking from the top of The Leonardo in Sandton — because nothing says “serious politics” like announcing your manifesto from the highest building in Africa — Malema revealed that the party will be called DEAF.
Malema explained, “The letters don’t actually mean anything. We just took two letters from the DA and two from the EFF. That way, nobody can accuse us of being original.”
He added with a grin, “South Africans shouldn’t expect Helen and I to fix anything. In fact, all your complaints about the country will literally fall on DEAF ears.”
The press conference took an even stranger turn when Zille stepped up to the podium, proudly showing off her baby bump.
“What can I say? The winter was cold… yet clearly very fruitful,” she said with a smirk, rubbing her belly. “And yes, there are no closed borders between Juju and I.”
Journalists gasped as Zille confirmed the rumours: “Yes, this is Julius’s child. And before you ask — yes, the baby will get free education, free healthcare, and a free EFF beret at birth.”
The pair announced plans to marry on Heritage Day at Soccer City. “Nothing says ‘unity’ like using a public holiday to turn a stadium into a wedding venue,” Zille said.
When asked how they plan to overcome their massive ideological differences, Malema shrugged. “Easy. Opposites attract,” he said, licking his lips like LL Cool J while Zille blushed and looked like she regretted everything. “I’m far left, she’s a centrist. Love conquers all — even Twitter beef.”
Zille then returned to the microphone to share their honeymoon plans. “We’re going to Victoria Falls. Not just because it’s romantic — but so we can tell Zimbabwe and Zambia that it belongs to neither of them. It belongs to all Africans… and also now to DEAF.”
Political analysts are still recovering from the shock of the announcement. Some are calling it “a bold step toward unity.” Others are calling it “a sign of the end times.”
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