When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times

I encountered this book during a period of profound vulnerability – as if a slight breeze could dismantle the precarious structure I called my life. I read it in the serene interludes between tears, amidst the disorienting rhythm of days devoid of meaning, and in the tranquil hours of night when sorrow kept me company like an unwelcome guest. Here’s what Chödrön conveyed to my inner being:

1. Disintegration is an Opportunity

We devote a significant portion of our lives clinging to what we dread losing. Chödrön elucidates that falling apart isn’t the culmination – it’s the commencement. Similar to the Japanese technique of kintsugi, where fractured pottery is restored with gold, she demonstrates how our imperfections render us exquisite. "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us," she articulates. These words authorized me to cease striving to maintain composure and permit myself to falter – because falling is how we acquire the ability to ascend.

2. Embrace the Unfounded

There’s a prevalent misconception we all adhere to: that stability is the objective, that certainty is the reward. Chödrön reverses this notion. She encourages us to embrace the “unfoundedness” of life – the perpetually shifting, unpredictable essence of existence. For an individual who has dedicated their life to seeking anchors, this was simultaneously terrifying and liberating. She pens, “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” This truth still quickens my pulse, but now it’s an exhilaration, not a trepidation.

3. Pain is the Portal

We expend considerable energy evading pain, anesthetizing it, circumventing it. However, Chödrön gently insists that pain is our most significant instructor. She doesn’t idealize suffering; she reframes it as the gateway to metamorphosis. “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know,” she expresses. These words transformed into a mantra as I learned to coexist with my pain instead of fleeing from it, to heed what it was attempting to impart to me.

4. The Potency of the Respite

There’s a hallowed instant between stimulus and response – an instant Chödrön designates the "pause." It’s within this space that we discover freedom. She instructed me to pause when anger ignited, when fear seized, when despair threatened to engulf me entirely. In that pause, I learned to breathe, to choose, to soften. It’s a practice I’m still cultivating, but it’s transforming everything.

5. The Wisdom of Inescapability

One of the book’s most profound lessons is the concept that there’s no escape from life – and that’s acceptable. Chödrön writes, “The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” This was an entreaty to cease resisting reality, to cease attempting to coerce my life into a mold it wasn’t intended to fit. She invites us to remain present, even when it’s painful, because the present moment is where mending commences.

6. Compassion for the Self

Chödrön’s words are a balm for the self-critical soul. She reminds us that we’re all faltering our way through life, endeavoring to the best of our abilities with the resources we possess. “Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world.” I’ve affixed these words to my mirror, a daily reminder to encounter myself with the same tenderness I extend to others.

The most unexpected gift this book bestowed upon me was joy – not in the manner we typically conceive of it, but a serene, unwavering joy that arises from surrendering. Surrendering perfection.

 Surrendering control. Surrendering the necessity for life to be anything other than its current state. In that surrender, I discovered a tranquility I was unaware I was seeking.